I’m done.
(Note from the future: I’m keeping this post up to show my progress to anyone suffering from extreme social isolation due to fear and anxiety and depression that these things are actually very easy to get out of with consistent effort of a few months to a few years depending on your situation. You CAN totally change your life. Do not give up. Keep pushing forward. Keep incrementally facing your social fears and one day you will be surprised at how different of a person you have become. I am a living proof. I have nothing to sell. Just want to help people going through the shit that I did.)
I know I preach about not victimising yourself and taking responsibility and action but at this point in my life I’m just so done. This post is about blaming my circumstances and giving up.
I have tried to be normal so many times in my life and looking at other people just be able to talk to be able to have a normal social life without the kind of enormous effort that I have to put in do not be afraid to not be nervous or shy, just to have a normal conversation without looking like a weirdo.
I’m so fucking alone, I’m just tired. And I don’t know if I want to work on myself anymore.
Why was I born with these genes? Why was I shouted at criticised on every single step that I took as a child, and why does the person that did that and ruined my life still abuse me when I’m an adult? I have given him so many chances to be better, this is it. I’m never going to be around him again or open myself up to him once I get out of my current situation.
I get everybody has problems in their lives but this kind of immense deep fucking loneliness is killing me. I’d rather have money problems or marriage problems. I don’t think all lives are equal. I don’t believe that everybody has the same kinds of ups and downs.
At this point, I just feel so lost, I feel like I do not belong anywhere and that’s what scares me. This is coming from a person who has spent more than a decade trying to better himself. I’m done. You win, god. I can’t change myself. You gave me a shit life, and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve tried everything. Jokes on me.
When I was younger, I used to think that I could go to some other place and be better there but now I realise that I have been broken to such a great extent that no matter where I go , it’s going to be so difficult to open myself up because of what happened to me.
It’s not that I want to end my life, it’s that I’m going to just stop trying, and just do exactly what I feel like doing, instead of putting in effort and trying to change myself in things that I cannot change myself, which means I’m gonna avoid trying to socialise in situations where I’m scared to socialise, even though I know that facing my fears is good for me. I just cannot do it anymore. I just I just need to accept defeat in the face of god who wanted me to live the life of a lonely weirdo who has never had a friend or a relationship who doesn’t know how to talk to people and who people say is uptight and unfriendly behind his back.
I just don’t think that people who are stupid or people who have mental issues should have should ever have children because they’re not fit to be parents. This means that I am also not going to have children and obviously not gonna get married, why the fuck would I do that?
I’m just done trying. I have been too alone and never asked for much but a little help from anyone, but all I ever got was abuse and neglect.
Fuck you.