let go habits
ok so in my last post regarding what habits im gonna pursue in 2024, i made some strong claims that i was very sure about.
i went through a short but shitty phase since then (and it has only been 12 days since the year started lol) and realized that i really need to hone in on what’s important. just one thing.
and that one thing is my mind. and my social insecurities and tightness to be specific.
what i realized was that my habits were making me TIGHT. my habits like gym — which especially makes you so so TIGHT.
i was tracking too many things. off the 5 habits (BE, diet, gym, yoga walk) — i asked myself why were 4 of them just for physical health. do i really care about it that much? or do i care about my mind and changing and challenging my core beliefs and confidence and self esteem much much much more?
the reality for me at least is that physical health is really not that important. i would rather live a shorter or physically less healthy life if in exchange i change my my mind with regards to my interpersonal identity.
so the goal now is to get loose. to enjoy, to have fun. the law of reversed effort. the less needy you are, the less desperate you are, etc.
i have changed my apple watch face which had hundreds of fucking complications to the snoopy watch face. its fun, quirky, i see a cool animation that really lightens me up when i see it whenever i touch the watch face.
i was kinda getting bored with the motivational songs, so i started listening to jazz just to check it out and i kinda liked it. it really elicited certain feelings in me that i liked being elicited.
i scraped most of my habits. some of them that remained, the tracking is bare minimum. the new habits are:
meditate: (the most important habit. i need to tackle and challenge my negative core beliefs. my negative thoughts. i need to spend time with my mind. i need to embrace my shadow. i need to embrace everything i avoid. i need to journal. to pause. to clean things up.)
socialize: (the most important habit. similar to what i had earlier. i need to do things in social contexts that i might be initially not willing to do. i need to expose myself to as many social contexts as possible to come to ease in my interpersonal interactions. i need to put effort into building a high sense of self esteem. i need to put effort into being ok with being imperfect. with making mistakes. with polarizing. with flirting. with being physical. with being awkward. with being creepy. with facing my fears. my shyness. my avoidance. this and meditation pretty much go hand in hand.)
work: (i avoided putting this habit into my system earlier as i thought “hey i want to be more social and charismatic and shit, i should stop focusing on computer nerdy stuff” but now that i think about it, i should work extremely hard. its the one thing im really good at. it will ground me. it will make me feel good. it is who i am. as i become someone else. i should work hard and ground myself in my purpose. as i was reshaping my habits around my singular goal. this habit just popped up in my mind and i just had to realize i couldn’t do without it for some reason. so here it is. just doing something productive. mostly gonna be things to do with my job. but anything productive like even side projects or learning/researching/etc. count.)
walk: (this was also there earlier. but now instead of a fixed metric goal like how many steps, it will be more like, just go out for a walk. i’ve realized i can also club this without pullups as when i go out for a walk in my society, i do see a children’s thing where i can hang. but anyway the point being unlike gym it is very free flowing and natural. i will walk at the very least. and then maybe do pullups/pushups/squats/etc. based on how i feel.)
diet: (this is important again because if i eat junk i feel bad. simple as. not about getting thin or anything anymore, just about FEELING GOOD and LOOSE and LIGHT. so no counting calories. more like “just avoid junk” and “avoid overeating” etc.)
as you can see now. basically all of the habits lead to the same destination. the mind. the first three do that directly (meditation, socialize, work) but even the physical ones (walk, diet) are chosen in a way that they’re more conducive for the mind. i could’ve, or course chosen something like gym, but as i said, the goal for me i have realized now, has to be SINGULAR.
the singular FOCUS now is to loosen up, broaden my mind, loosen up, and not care too much about plans or calculations, or metrics, or tracking, etc. it is to loosen up and enjoy and be non needy and non desperate. of course, if i were to be more concrete why i would want that the answer is simple, i want to be more secure, to be less insecure about my social qualms, and to be greater in mind than in body. i have always believed in that but maybe, somehow, i got sucked into this whole physical health thing. who cares. i don’t care how long i live. i just wanna live. at least once, before i die. i used to think i should live as long and healthy as possible because the future is gonna be great cause of science and tech, and surely it might be great, but i really don’t think a lot of our human problems are gonna leave us behind. the psychological issues are gonna be exacerbated. im with dostoevsky there.
so now my goal is to go deep into my mind (hence meditation) and to go deep into other people (hence socialization) and deep into my purpose (hence work) and just be generally healthy (hence walk and diet).
mind >>>> body.
apart from these “habits” im also gonna just let loose in general, as i mentioned about my apple watch face. im gonna try and be cleaner. be calmer. be less reactive (although tbh im already quite calm compared to most people but maybe not when it comes to my social insecurities so mostly only applies to that context).
which means maybe at times doing what feels good. doing what feels aesthetic. clean. good. smells good. looks good. being authentic. being awkward. being honest. being vulnerable. being ok with not havnig fucking 10% body fat and wearing shirts that show a little bit of my tummy. lol.
being authentic. being loose. being honest. being weird. being creepy. being vulnerable. being polarizing. being clean. being good. being non needy. being selfless. being courageous. being fearless. taming the mind.
ok for some reason i just keep writing, it’s like my mind wants me to keep writing and my hands are also yearning to keep typing even though i don’t think there’s anything left to say at this point in this topic of me changing gears so soon into the year’s start.
but in any case, you get the point, right?
so there’s two things here.
be like water. do not be desperate. be loose. be open to changing your mind. your attitude. your entire worldview. if things seem to not be working. the greatest growth periods and turning points will come from those stuck periods where you can’t seem to make any progress and you seem to be stuck and frustrated, you need to compeltely change it up from the ground up. my looseness can also be witnessed from the fact that now my daily habits do not have any daily concrete metrics. i read somewhere (on x) that systems and processes are just for keeping you from the very worst. but the real growth and amazing shit and upside is in the chaos. so in a similar vein these habits are just the bare minimum. they are to prevent me from completely going off the fucking rails. but thats why i haven’t added any concrete daily metrics now like i just gotta somewhat keep doing this shit. just showing up. and of course there’ll be days where i do fucking amazing in my meditation, or socialization, or work but yeah it’s all loose bare minimum no mind fucking numbing hard difficult fucking daily metrics.
pick ONE thing. orient your existence towards it. as i showcased through the swift changing of gears in my habits. ask yourself and question yourself why you are doing what you’re doing. why truly was i going to the gym etc.? sure an aesthetic body is good but truly is it the best way to conquer my goal which is my mind and my social insecurities? when i see people who are where i want to be, are they doing these things? no. they aren’t. i was just infected by the instagram mind virus to be more and more aesthetic and what not. when in real life, most people (who i want to be like) do not pay heed to looks, but more to the mind. the mindset. the game. so that’s why now all my habits serve the mind. for example i chose walk also because aerobic activity is known to positively affect the mind much more than say going to the gym.
slow down. relax. things are not as bad as they seem. the mind is much harder to conquer than the body. but once you conquer the mind. the body is irrelevant.
meditate, socialize, work, walk, diet.
so yeah, that’s it from my side.
happy new year.